The Best and Worst Father's Day gifts

I know it's been a while since I've updated this blog; I've been busy. But I think this post is fitting considering it's Father's Day.

First, let me just remind you that your father gets to celebrate today because of you; He is only a father because of you were born, so these gifts should benefit you in some way. Also, since your dad is a guy, chances are he has either forgotten your birthday, sold your dog at a poker game, or gambled away your soul for the chance of winning $45. Thus, you shouldn’t be too worried about whether or not he appreciates your Father’s Day gifts and rather, the most important thing is that you benefit from these gifts in someway. And for the record, there are only 2 WORST gifts because Dads really aren’t that picky and will like and or eat anything. So here is the list of Best and Worst gifts:

BEST GIFTS

Cheap Tee-Shirt

Dads love comfortable tee shirts and rarely care about size; it’s either ‘too small –but it’ll work’ or ‘too big – but it’ll work’. Either way, he will make it work. And chances are your dad doesn’t know the difference between Lacoste and LaWalmart, so don’t worry about style, just go real cheap! And I’m not talking about a 2 shirts for $20 deal; I’m talking about raiding a lost and found bin or giving him one of your old ones. Or better yet, find a decent shirt in his closet, then spray paint it a different colour and give it to him. Why? It’s free and Dads love the smell of paint – win win.

Gardening Gloves

This gift works for two main reasons. First, once you invest in giving him something that he can use in the garden, you will never have to mow the lawn or trim the bushes anymore. He won’t want you to touch his gloves or his fortress bushes – chore avoided! Second, this gift works because the gloves can be considered a fashion accessory and thus, if he ticks you off, just tell him his gloves don’t match his handbag. He will be so enraged by this comment that he will immediately question his masculinity from that point forth. Why is that a good thing you ask? Well, in order to reassure his ‘manliness’ he will rush out and buy a Camaro, Mustang, or Corvette and after a few weeks and his guard is down, you will be able to drive the car. Again, the gloves are a gift that keeps on giving.

A 24 of Beer

Let’s face it, Dads love beer! But who loves beer even more than Dads? WE DO of course. Thus, since he will be so happy that you gave him such a thoughtful gift, he will probably say: “what a great gift, please help yourself to some of these beers!” This is a crucial mistake on his part because by saying this, he is assuming that you will only take 1 or 2 beers, but we all know that when it comes to beer/alcohol, we lose all restraint and neglect all rational thought – so taking 15 or 23 of these beers isn’t out of the realm of possibilities. Also, since your dad is an old-timer, he may have lost some of his drinking tolerance, so once he downs 2 or 3, the rest of the beers are fair game for you. You might as well trash the Father’s Day card and just give this present to you because that’s where it’s going anyways.

“King of the Grill” Apron

I give you full permission to stroke his ego with this gift. Why? Because if he has a “King of the Grill” apron, he will want to BBQ anything, everything, and at any time. Steak, Chicken, Sausage, your neighbour’s cat…. It’s all BBQ worthy for him. Thus, you will be eating delicious ‘neighbour cat’ in no time! It’s BBQ season – stay hungry friends.

A Sentimental Picture (you and him)

This is possibly the only gift in the world that can melt your dad’s heart. Not only is this gift really cheap, but it is all considered thoughtful, sweet, touching, yada, yada, yada. And why is all that ‘sweet’ stuff important? It’s important because it will act as your future “get out of jail” free card. Any time you are getting in trouble for something just quickly show him the picture. Don’t even say anything, just grab the picture and hold it in front of his face. Furthermore, this picture will enable you to do even stupider things in the future because you can always use it to get you out of trouble. Just watch:

You: “Dad, I smashed the car” (show the picture)
Dad: “it’s ok, as long as you are safe – and here with me, like you were in that picture.”

You: “Dad, I failed University” (show the picture)
Dad: “ahh so did I, we are one in the same – a beautiful family, just like in that picture.”

You: “Dad, I’m pregnant!” (show the picture)
Dad: “Hopefully it’s twins that look just like you and I…. in that picture.”

See, this gift always works.

WORST GIFTS

“Scarface” DVD

Before you even think of buying him this gift, think back to every single time you’ve heard some stupid kid/person say “say hello to my little friend!” It’s annoying as hell right? So then why would you even think of giving your father 3 hours of crappy Cuban accident’ed slang terms to recite? Think again, the lines aren’t original anymore and your dad isn’t a talented actor – this gift sucks in every way.

A Muscle Tee Shirt

Even though your dad will wear pretty much anything, don’t let him wear a muscle shirt. It’s the Worst gift for 3 reasons.

1. Your dad is probably not in great shape and seeing him in a muscle tee shirt does not benefit you in anyway. In fact, it will probably scar you in several ways.

2. He will actually think that since you gave him this shirt to wear, he IS in great shape! So he will be wearing it constantly – bustling around in it, looking a like bag of sand trying to smuggle a sack of hot pizza dough.

3. His confidence will be through the roof, which will probably turn your mother on in some sick perverse way. Thus, you will be dealing with disgusting sexual innuendo comments and gross sounding inside jokes every time he wears the shirt. And you know he will be wearing it often. Example:

Dad: “Oh man, this shirt just barely covers my rock hard body”
Mom: “You’re right it does….too bad.”

Dad: “I look like Zeus in this shirt”
Mom: “mmmhmm”

Dad: “Someone should test me for steroids in this shirt”
Mom: “Can I?”

Gross.

Hope you enjoyed!

Again, this is just for fun and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

Top 5 ways to spend Valentine's Day with a loved one

It’s almost here, Valentine’s Day, the one day that you have to show your love for that special someone. So how do you do it?
You can buy roses?... nah, been done.
You can go to the movies? .... nope, too many loud kissers.
You can make dinner? .... forget it, you can’t cook and you’d poison her.

But fear not, there are a few ways to show your love the right way.

Here are the best 5 ways to spend Valentine’s Day with a loved one... for you at least.

1. A Sporting Event

Sure, as soon as you tell her that you both are going to a Leafs or Raptors game she will roll her eyes, or much worse, hit you. You’ll probably think “dam, I deserved that!” but no you don’t deserve that because taking her to a sporting event is the most romantic thing you can ever do.
3 words friends, “Jumbo Tron”. Yes, all you have to do is pay a hundred bucks or so to get a sweet “I love you (insert name here)” message plastered on the big screen. Tell her beforehand that you have a surprise for her on the screen and BAM! She’s excited for the game.
Can you say win win?! She’ll be glued to the Jumbo Tron the whole time, leaving you to enjoy the game in peace. Perfect.



(omit all that marry me business)

2. The Car

Why is the car a great place to spend Valentine’s Day? It’s simple. The best part of being in a car is the ability to optimize Drive- throughs. Yes, a drive-through offers so much joy to everyone involved in the sinful act. You get to eat, she gets to eat. Perfect. But don’t skimp, forget the McValue meals and spring for something more classy... like A&W or Arbys. Then when your belly is full, drive to a lakeside parking lot because that’s romantic and you get to digest in peace.

3. Staples Business Depot

What’s the second sappiest, most heart-warming movie of all time? The Notebook. And what does Staples specialize in? You guessed it, Notebooks! All you have to do is say “honey, I think it’s time we started our own notebook story.” Her heart will melt and all you have to do is spend $7.99 on a frilly notebook. Oh, and in the checkout line, say, “Ally, I will always be your Noah.”
Cue... babbling brook. Boom. You win.



(you = left.... her = right)

4. The Couch and a Seal CD

Why attempt to say the most perfect sweet and heart-felt words when Seal has already done that for you. Face it, you’ll say something stupid and she’ll be upset. So don’t reinvent the wheel. Let Seal serenade her all night long while you catch a few Z’s on the couch. Or even better, turn the TV on and watch the game... on mute of course – you wouldn’t want to be rude.
She’ll be so touched by Seal’s sweetest songs that she won’t even realize that you haven’t really done anything for Valentine’s Day. But I warn you, she will want to cuddle after this, so try to be accommodating... at least until Sportscenter starts at 11.

5. The threshold between two towns

Have you ever seen the number 1 sap movie of all time, “A Walk to Remember?” Probably not, but she definitely has. And there is a grade-A sap scene in the movie that she will never forget. Shane West takes his love, Mandy Moore, to a threshold between two towns before she dies. Stupid right? Read on... and when she asks “why did you take me here?” He cooly responds, “you always wanted to be in two places at once.” .... splash.... cue water works for every woman who has ever lived.
SO all you have to do is re-enact this scene. She will be so swelled up with emotion that she won’t even know that you haven’t spent any money or time on this Valentine’s Day. Boom. Easy. You win times a million.



(If you combined all the Maple trees in the world and melted them in a pot, you would still have less sap than this film)

These all may be unconventional but isn’t unconventional the root-word for spontaneous?! Yes, yes it is. And girls love spontaneity.

Happy V-Day.